I have just read a post about the way pregnant women feel mentally, not just the physical side of things. The morning sickness and a bad back. Yes, there are horrible, but what about the mental drain being pregnant has on you? Not just from the sleepless nights but the constant ‘is this okay to be doing?’ that is running through your head. How can I be attached to someone I have never met, spoke to or even seen yet? I don’t understand it either, but it is possible – I would know!
For so long I tried to convince myself that I was not attached; I am one of those people who has always struggled with being open about feelings. I have always been the ‘What if…’ person! Preparing myself for the worst has not done me any favours in this situation. Pregnancy is real, no matter how long I try not to think about it. Which brings a lot of mental strain on myself.
Now, I have previously suffered from Depression and anxiety anyway, so add a hormonal pregnant woman into the mix and everything goes up into the air! I actually only came off my medication due to the pregnancy. The tablets I was on was not the most suitable for pregnancy, so the doctors recommended me to come off them – slowly of course! Luckily, I was trying to lower my dose before she told me to remove them from my life completely! So, it didn’t take as much of a toll on me as I was anticipating – or so I thought! It’s only recently that I have realized how much they were actually helping me. Of course, though, I did it for the little one. Another thing in my life that has changed – which I don’t have any control over.
Even without the reduction of my medication, I feel I would be struggling with the thought process of pregnancy. Not just from the initial ‘shit, what am I going to do?’ It’s also the body changes, ‘am I going to be a good mother?’, ‘is what I am eating/doing safe for the baby?’, ‘am I working myself too hard?’ and everything in between.
How can I worry about someone so much, yet not care about myself? I haven’t really been into self-care too much; I wish I was a lot more if I’m honest. All I want to do is protect and care for the baby as much as I can, but not knowing is the hardest thing. Each website I read is constantly telling me different things; what is/isn’t safe to eat. My theory: As long as I am eating, the baby is getting some nutrition. My diet couldn’t have been that bad before conceiving, otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to in the first place! So changing up my diet isn’t something I am trying too much to do.
Getting over the initial shock of being pregnant is something that I am still going through I think. Having known for 3/4 months now, I still haven’t quite got my head around things. I don’t know whether I ever will until he is actually here!
Body image is another thing I have struggled with ever since I can remember. So having it completely change has affected me mentally entirely. I have never been big, a UK size 6 normally, and 8 if I am lucky. So, as you can imagine, always being small to then my jeans all of sudden not fitting. That has stressed me out a lot more than I would like to admit. I don’t really know how to get over this, myself. I have accepted the fact my favourite jeans will never fit me the same again but haven’t managed to throw them away.
Aside from purchasing one pair of UK size 10 joggers, I don’t want to admit that I need to get myself some larger clothes. So have been fitting into some jeans my sister gave me, as well as LIVING in leggings. Yes, they are still UK size 6! Something about the need for larger clothes will send me into complete meltdown I think, which is why I am too scared to even head to the shops with those intentions.
Am I being hormonal?
This is THE question I am forever asking myself. I don’t want other people to feel the need to be careful when they are around me. Not only because of the physical attributions of pregnancy but what about the way I speak to them? In a few years, I don’t want everyone close to me to say ‘when you were pregnant you were awful!’. I don’t want them to be watchful of what they say, just in case. Having to watch you say constantly is tiring work! Anyone who does this will know. Forever over thinking the things I have said, in case they have taken it the wrong way. They are just too scared to say anything. ‘She’s pregnant and hormonal, be careful what you say!’ I don’t ever want anyone to think that.
Being pregnant is a drain on you mentally. The reason for this post was for me to talk with you about the things I struggle with the most, mentally. But you know. I didn’t realize how much of that I needed to actually release! Knowing that I can hopefully help just one person, even if it’s just to let you know that you are not alone!
I spoke to my midwife and she has reassured me that no two pregnancies are the same. Whichever emotion you are feeling is the right way for you, personally.